Cranky Mommy

We all turn to PBS for wholesome family shows. You know, the kids shows that you don’t have to worry about giving your kids nightmares after viewing them. Educational, informative, safe. And also providing horrible role models for small children. Let me give you my list of the top PBS kids offenders*.

1) Cookie Monster. He gets an F for table manners and gluttony. Practically every parent has had the misfortune of cleaning up after a child imitating Cookie Monster while eating something. Diagnosis: Binge Eating Disorder.

2) The Man in the Yellow Hat on Curious George. Totally negligent pet owner, the SPCA should be after him. Diagnosis: Animal Cruelty.

3)Zoe. That little monster never wants to share, and is way too into that stupid pet rock that everyone has to pretend is alive. If Zoe were alive and human she would need a therapist to insure that she wasn’t having a paranoid break. Diagnosis: Schizoid Personality Disorder.

4)Ernie. And no, I’m don’t take any issues with Ernie and Bert being ambiguously gay. Rather, Ernie is rude for keeping poor Bert up at night and not letting him go to sleep. No wonder Bert is so cranky. Diagnosis: Insomniac.

5)Jetta from Clifford, the big red dog. Sure she looks sweet, but nearly every episode she brags and lies, then has some kind of catharsis and regrets it by the end. But somehow, by the next episode, she is back to being her bragging and lying self. Diagnosis: Borderline Personality Disorder.

Care to add to the list?

*This is all tongue and cheek of course. Really we love PBS, we do. Even Cookie Monster.

It was fun, I was highly entertained. It wasn’t that hard for me to conclude though, that if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it. I ended up not buying anything.
However there are some sexual enhancement aids that this woman’s company didn’t have. Perhaps if I see her again I will have to suggest them to her:

1) Babysitter in a Bottle. Just pop it open, and there you are: a nice, nerdy, child-adoring, social-life-free babysitter who works for cheap and stays overnights on Saturdays

2)Early Bedtime Pills (infant and child formula): To insure you have an evening together with your spouse, giving these pills to your kids will make sure you evening gets off to a great start

3)Housework Genie: Just let ‘er out of the bottle, and all your work is done, so you can enjoy an evening of fun with your spouse

4)Instant Power Outtage: Because nothing gets you (or him) in the mood like having the TV, Computer, and video games off, with nothing else to do in the dark.

Perhaps you have some suggestions too?

The other night I thought I would do something humorous and silly, so I drew a crude diagram of my husband’s brain.

Anyone who knows my husband will have to decide on it’s accuracy. Notice the large dedication to Art and Religion and Ravens Football. I almost didn’t put baseball in because I think he has given up on the Baltimore Orioles.
Of course then he had to draw a diagram of my brain after that:

Some of it is accurate in my opinion, but some of it isn’t. I really don’t think about who’s gay very much. And I talk on the phone as much as the average woman. But it’s true, I do know a lot of 80’s music lyrics.

I think I have more than my share. In rough chronological order:

1)In 3rd grade, I went miniature golfing and, while chasing a ball that had gone down a hill, fell off an 8 foot wall into a stone-lined pool with a couple feet of water in it, and a fountain. Bruised and soaked, I managed to still place 3rd at the birthday party.

2)Also in 3rd grade, walked into the boys bathroom by mistake at my elementary school. Thankfully didn’t bump into anyone in the bathroom, but got caught by an older kid leaving who gave me a hard time about it. Had no idea what the urinals were for.

3)At some point in early elementary school, as we were leaving a family restaurant with my parents, I noticed two other girls giving me the evil eye and decided to give them the evil eye back, smugly. Until I realized that I had toilet paper hanging out of my pants in the back.

4)At another point in elementary school, one day I was running bathwater for my bath. Realizing that all the clean towels were in the laundry room, my entirely naked self darted out to the laundry room, to get a clean towel… only to realize that the teenage boy living next door and his mother had decided to drop in for a visit.

5)In late elementary school, the girl who had no little brother and who had never babysat a little boy or had seen one naked, asked a carpool full of girls “What are BALLS?” “You don’t know what BALLS are?” they skoffed. And no one would tell me!

6)In junior high, I was elected “most gullible” of my yearbook.

7)As a freshman in high school, I got my tongue stuck in my braces. It took about a half hour to get them unstuck in the nurse’s office.

8)In the mid-nineties I went on a date to Ferry Bar Park (which is on the bay). We were lying on a blanket making out on the beach, until we noticed we were being bitten by hundreds of sand fleas. Bitten all over our bodies, I had over 50 bites on one foot alone. I had an allergic reaction to the bites and swelled up so much that had to go to the doctor to get oral steroids for the bites. (And the guy totally wasn’t worth the bites, that loser).

I can only think of 8 right now (at least that I feel comfortable revealing publicly) but I know there are way more.
So what about you? Any you care to share?

I’ve noticed on at least 3 weblogs recently that, well, people aren’t playing right on the playground! Someone is bullying. Someone isn’t taking turns. The parents are rude or ignoring the kids. So I thought I would write out a little list so everyone is clear on the rules.

1)Little ones: no eating woodchips. And parents who let their kids eat them will be punished to some unknown splinter-removing hell.
2)The 5 second rule for eating food dropped on the ground that you use at home, usually doesn’t apply at the park, unless you are desperate.
3)If you can’t hold your pee, and there is no place to pee for you or your kids because there is no bathroom, please choose a tree that is remote and far away so we don’t have to smell it.
4)And, hermetically seal those poopy diapers before you throw them in the trash so we don’t have to smell them either.
5)Don’t go down the slide when someone hasn’t gotten off the slide.
6)Don’t go up the slide when someone is going down the slide.
7)Kids who take other kids toys on the playground are evil. That is, unless the kids are related by blood and that just means you are stuck with them for life.
8)If your kids are tired and kicking and screaming, for godsakes take them home.
9)Don’t throw the woodchips! Or grass! Or Dirt!
10)Don’t bang sticks on most things. Especially other kids.
11)Don’t steal other kids drinks. It isn’t a community slober fest.
12)Halt those cellphones, people! It’s the glorious outdoors, with nature and birds and crap like that. And you’ll know where your kid is.
13)Forgive the parent who can’t remember the name of a parent or child you’ve met on the playground 8 times before.
14)Don’t ask what Dad does, to the lesbian couples.
15)Only throw rocks in the stream. All other rock throwing is forbidden.
16)Stay away from the strange sewer-hole things.
17)Wandering up to strange adults for crackers and snacks is gauche (even more so if you are an adult yourself)
18)Say sorry when your mother gives you the evil eye - or else.
19)The classic — take turns. Duh.
20) When your mother says “Come here” it doesn’t mean run to the opposite end of the playground while giggling hysterically.

Got any to add?

If you plan on having kids, here’s a little advice from me, on things you should do and enjoy — before you have them.

1)Stay up late.
2)Sleep in.
3)Take long, uninterrupted baths.
4)Read on the toilet.
5)Travel.
6)Be spontaneous.
7)Especially with sex.
8)Walk around your house naked.
9)Curse.
10)Dress up to the nines, in clothes that stain easily and need dry cleaning.
11)Eat in quiet, expensive, romantic restaurants.
12)Wear impractical shoes.
13)Watch a lot of racy or violent television.
14)Be debaucherous.

That’s not to say that some these things won’t happen when you have a kid, but it will surely be less often.

I just wanted to let all of you parents out there know, you are doing something wrong. I don’t know what it is, but there’s always something. Because for the last 3 1/2 years of my son’s life, I’ve been so darn perfect. Ha.

Your kid is sleeping in a crib! That’s baby jail!
Your kid is co-sleeping! They’ll be scarred for life!
Your little baby is sleeping on it’s tummy!
You’re are nursing your baby to sleep! Her teeth will rot!
You aren’t nursing your baby to sleep! She will have emotional damage!
You’re giving your baby formula! Gasp!
You’re not giving your baby a bottle! Hiss!
They aren’t dressed warm enough!
She doesn’t drink enough liquids!
His hair looks like a girl’s! Her hair looks like a boy’s!
He’s eating food that isn’t organic!
That comes from a can!
She eats hot dogs already! He’s never had a hot dog!
You let them snack all day!
You dropped them on their head!
You feed them choking hazards like grapes that aren’t cut up!
You bring your kid to school with a cold!
You protect him too much!
You don’t protect him enough!
You put them in daycare!
You don’t get away from your child enough!
They don’t socialize enough!
You let them eat dirt! For SHAME!
She hasn’t even seen the dentist yet?
You give them Tylenol for everything!
You let them suffer with a fever!
You had 2 kids so close together?!!
You had 2 kids so far apart?!!
You waited past age 35 to have a child?
You had a kid so young?
You let him play with dolls! He will be damaged!
You don’t let him play with dolls! He will be damaged!
You let your child eat solid albacore tuna!
You don’t give your kid any seafood!
Your carseat isn’t in right! You’re as bad as Brittney Spears!
You have them in a booster seat already?
You potty trained too early!
He’s not potty trained YET?

Ah, now I feel superior. Oh wait…. I’ve done a few of these “bad” things too. 50 lashes with a wet noodle for me.

1)get teared up watching kids reunite with their parents on mushy reality shows on T.V. I was never that sappy before I had a kid.
2)oogle at baby clothes, and think Oooooh that is so cuuuute! It even creeps me out, when I do it. Thankfully, I put them back on the rack… I have no one to buy baby clothes for right now.
3)lift-and-sniff.
4)use vocabulary like Yucky. No-No. Potty. I sound like a preschool teacher.
5) clean a kid’s face with spit.
6) consider matching father-son or mother-son outfits. I know, it’s a horribly geeky thing to do, the kind of thing you see at the airport on families returning from a Disneyworld vacation, with mom, dad, and kids all wearing the same ugly tee shirt, hat and jeans. My husband will talk me out of it, I think.
7)Wear the same pair of jeans 3 days in a row
8)Keep that hand sanitizer stuff in my purse

(warning: Baltimore-centric post below.)
A consequence of not being able to plan a week’s meals in advance, is that I practically live in grocery stores, and am an expert on some of them. Each one has something I like and something I hate about it. So, here are my own personal grocery store awards*.

Store With The Most Disgusting Looking Grocery Carts: Giant Food at the Rotunda. My god, you are supposed to put FOOD in those things! (What is that orangish stuff on those carts? I hope it is rust).

Best Butt-Kissing Grocery Store, No Matter How Much Money You Make (They Even Open The Door For You): Eddie’s of Roland Park

Store Most Likely To be Run Over By Senior Citizen pushing a Shopping Carts: Giant Food at the Rotunda (retirement home and nursing homes nearby)

Store That You Need To Check The Sell By Date On Yogurts:Superfresh (not)

Store Most Likely To be Run Over By an S.U.V. in The Parking Lot: Whole Foods in Mt. Washington.

Cheapest Produce On The East Coast:Haymana Market Of Owings Mills. 39 cents a pound for loose potatoes and onions.

Grocery Store With The Happiest Looking Employees:Trader Joe’s. I don’t know if they are faking it or if it is real, but it’s pretty convincing (maybe it’s those Hawaiian shirts they wear.)

Hoidy-Toidyest Market: Whole Foods Of Fells Point.

Best-Looking Produce Until You Look At The Pricetag:Whole Foods.

Place You Will Be Damned To Hell For Shopping There, So I Don’t Shop There:Sam’s Club.

Grocery Stores Everyone Tells Me To Check Out, And I Never Go because I Don’t Like To Drive That Much: Han Ah Reum and Wegman’s.

Best Reason To Go Off A Diet and Remember Why Its Not Called A Health Food Store, It’s Called A Whole Food Store: the Desserts in the Bakery at Whole Foods.

Best Place To Double Coupons And Get Stuff For Free:Superfresh. Coupons double up to a dollar. Cha-ching!

Best Place to Buy Snake Oil:Whole Foods. Sorry I’m not a true believer in a lot of the health products they sell (plus one of my stepsons used to sell vitamins there)

Best Place To Witness Fights Breaking Out Between Customers Speaking Broken English, Standing In Line:Haymana Market Of Owings Mills. Almost Every Time I Go! Especially on the weekends.

Place Where A Few Of The Customers Look Inbred: I’ts a close one, there are so many… plus I live in Hampden (Anyone Remember the old E-Z markets? Those would have been and E-Z win). I’ll say, a triple tie between the Hampden Superfresh, Hampden Giant, and the Charles Village Safeway.

Grocery Store That Didn’t Live Up To It’s Nickname: The “Gucci” Giant In Pikesville.

Best Place To Get a Warning From The Fish Guy Not To Buy The Basa In The Window, Because It isn’t Fresh: Superfresh (How ironic). And yes that did happen!

Grocery Store That Is Nice, But The Neighborhood Freaks You Out A Little Bit So You Won’t Shop There At Night: The Giant Food In Waverly. And I don’t think I am being paranoid.

Nicest Cashiers:Another hard-to-call one, but I will say The Giant At The Rotunda In Hampden.

Best Place To Get Scolded For Forgetting To Use A Toothpick To Pick Up A Food Sample: Whole Foods In Mt. Washington. And I am guilty as charged.

Best Piercings And Tattoos On Employees:Whole Foods In Mt. Washington

(*after writing this list, I noticed it imitates Baltimore Citypaper’s Best Of Baltimore, but it really was unconscious)

I’m always impressed at the number of stay-at-home/work-at-home dads that I see. For example, when I go to my playgroup, out of about 30 kids on a given day, there will be 3 or 4 stay-/work-at-home dads there with their kids (Maybe some of them just work odd hours, but I don’t know all of them well enough to ask). Most of them seem pretty happy with the arrangement, and so do their children.
There are some questions I have though, about being a stay-at-home dad. Questions that will probably never be answered. Like: